A Brave New World

As you all know, Kenya is voting on the adoption of  a new constitution in the coming weeks. This constitution is likely to get passed – even though it is, in my opinion, a flawed document.

For a start, it contains too much stuff which shouldn’t be there, and has likely been included solely to keep some MPs constituency happy. Secondly, there are many clauses which say that parliament can enact legislation later on which amends the constitution (so what are we voting on exactly?).  Thirdly is the fact that the ‘yes’ campaign has all the resources of the government behind it – whilst the ‘no’ vote gets nothing. Official adverts state ‘Say YES to the new constitution. Say no to corruption.’ Not biased… Of course, our Dave supports it so how can it be bad? Bastard.

No plan survives first contact with the enemy, and likewise the constitution will surprise all of us in its impacts when implemented (I am sure a yes vote shall be passed). The real fear, of course, is that there will be more violence. Apparently, Kikuyu and Kalinjin mobs have been getting pissed and singing war songs at each other in the Rift Valley (places like Nakuru and Naivasha). You see, not everyone wants the constitution. President Moi had a habit of dishing land out to people/tribes he liked, and the constitution aims to rectify these abuses. But the government has put an extra 15,000 police on the streets with the wildlife rangers still to be deployed, in the hope of containing any trouble. Let us pray everything remains peaceful – or that everyone gets too drunk to move.

Something that has amused me greatly is the MPs scrabbling for a pay rise before it is passed. Kibaki blocked it, the good old alpha.

But what is in the air is hope. Hope for a better future. Hope that corruption will cease. Hope that the law will be there for the little man, as well as the big. Let’s hope that this all comes to pass.

As for me, I am too much of a cynic…

Out West part I

At the moment it is 7.30 on Sunday and we are in bed in the guest house at the church headquarters for Western Kenya. They have four services in the morning (we shall go to the English one later on) and we can hear singing from the cathedral. One thing about this area – it seems that they can’t help themselves but to break into that glorious African harmony. It really is quite something.

Okay, so we arrived back in Kenya and after a meagre one sleep (where we had to wash clothes by hand as there was a power cut, and after which we noted with satisfaction that there was another puncture in the car) we travelled to Kisii by shuttle. These are basically stress free Matatus, in that they do not stop to pick up a gazillion extra passengers on the way so you have a whole seat, with extra leg room, to yourself for the entire journey. It’s like travelling business class. Although of course nothing goes to plan.

Barclays bank, God bless them, have decided we need some kind of card reader pin thing for our internet banking which they are sending to us in Amersham. Would this mean that we are stuck until October with £500? Sorted eventually, but feel free to go and complain on our behalf. It did make us very late which turned out to our advantage as the indomitable Rev Atunga persuaded the shuttle to pick us up near our house instead of us having to trek all the way into Nairobi town.

We came to Kisii because a friend of ours (David, who you may remember from such exciting instalments as Kippin’ in Kibwezi) was graduating from bible school and we had been invited to the graduation. We of course arrived late as our matatu wouldn’t leave until it was full, and then stopped along the way for passengers to go shopping. Not that the graduation had started when we arrived…

The graduation was held in the college church which was so jam packed with well wishers that people were crammed in all down the aisles and small crowds had gathered outside the windows. We sat there for a looooooong time, and it was really hot. The service was in Swahili, which didn't help. I had to resort to counting sleeping pastors to keep myself awake.

Sarcasm aside it was really quite sweet. We were joined by delegations from each church which had someone graduating and they were clearly delighted with their candidate. But it was the Masai who stole the show with a choir which exuded joy. They were dressed in Masai finery and danced around, ululating wildly, followed by nearly everyone. (However later we were informed that most of the women were Kisii who were married to Masai men).

As LHF sponsor some of the students (10 of them it turns out, we had thought it was three) they made Jo give an impromptu speech that she pulled off brilliantly. That evening we took the bishop of the South- western diocese, Bishop Asiago, a true gent, out for dinner (spaghetti).

The next day we went to visit a guy we met in Nairobi at his home in a village near Kisii. He is living proof of pester power, having phoned Joanna constantly for two or three months, refusing to be discouraged when she stopped answering his calls… They have no electricity, but at least two of the houses had television aerials – in anticipation of the 2030 plan (either that or they are just status symbols).

He, along with a few friends have decided to start a brace of churches, and one has a small suspicion that when one has white friends, then the riches shall come. But anyway they were, as always, kind and hospitable people and we zipped around the neighbourhood on Kenyan taxi motos visiting various houses. The highlight was being told by a mzee that I have bushy eyebrows (before he asked if he could have my glasses – the cheek).

The countryside, we thought, was remarkably English. Either that, or we have been here too long…

Eventually we escaped back to our house (important, as we may have been asked for an impromptu prophecy if we had stayed), where we met a guy called Collins, who is working on the 2030 plan. This is the plan which shall make Kenya rich. Examples are, every house shall have access to clean water by 2030 - a good idea, every Kenyan shall have a degree by 2030 – hmmm, and every house shall have electricity - a pipe dream. And this is why…

Kenya already has insufficient generating capacity and crappy infrastructure (we have power cuts all the time), so a huge investment is needed anyway. Only Kenya doesn’t have the money for this. Only the British government is stupid enough to lend the funds, which would be promptly stolen by the minister or the contactors (who would also happen to be from his village…) But lets go all fantasy and say new power stations are built, and the power lines are installed, and the electricity company connects the house without demanding a bribe (almost inconceivable). Will the villager enjoy the boons of lighting? I would say no. This is because he shall be unable to pay the bills, as he has no job, can’t sell his crops (because the government has formed a monopoly company and has introduced price controls so they don’t have to pay fair prices) – and is trying to find the money for school fees.

Sorry. Rant over.

So we come full circle… We are back from church, where there were more choirs. Weirdly we managed to become a magnet for a crazy and drunk woman who sat between us, and then talked the whole way through (for example - ‘urgh, a confirmation. We are going to be here for ever.’) The highlight was when we introduced ourselves, and she translated from English into, eerm, English.

And finally, they have apparently already crashed the new ferry in Mombasa, although no damage was done to the boat I believe several cars on shore were squished.

Next stop Kisumu…

Tanzania (and why 4x4s are great)

This week saw us heading to Tanzania to have the engine of the Lutheran Heritage Foundation’s beautiful Range Rover ‘KAD 883X’  overhauled, and in the process we learnt a new acronym – ‘TIT’ – or ‘This is Tanzania’ (it is slightly more specific than ‘This is Africa’, and coincidentally it can be also used as a swear word). It is incredibly apt, as you shall find out.

So we found ourselves driving down from Nairobi along a road which is being resurfaced. What this means is that we had to drive along a dirt track to the side of what looked to be a perfectly serviceable road. Brilliantly, being in a marvellous and robust piece of British hardware, we were able to rattle along these tracks, overtaking matatus as well as poncy two wheel drives with ease.

And when we say rattle we mean rattle. Having done 260,000 km KAD 883X squeaks and rattles from every available joint and surface, making shouting obligatory. So a sigh of relief was breathed each time we went from dirt track to tarmac (except by Edd - driving and hugely enjoying the bumps).

We entered Tanzania, almost immediately to be flagged down by a policeman – who fortunately only wanted us to give his policeman buddy a lift. And then, to our horror, when we went from the next bit of dirt track to tarmac the rattling continued! We had a puncture – the mother of all punctures. TIT!!! Fortunately, our new policeman friend saved the day and changed the tyre, but only after roundly cursing the owner for having a jack that was too small (it turned out it screws as well as pumps - duh).

(As an aside, not all 4x4s are born equal. You are as well pissing in the wind as driving a Chelsea tractor such as a Porsche Cayenne or Toyota Rav 4 under these circumstances.)

Fortunately we eventually arrived in Arusha and dropped the car off with Mr Osoki, the pedestrian hating super mechanic (he is great, and will try to run over and then stop and shout at random pedestrians, whether in the road or on the pavement – ‘get out of the f#@ing way and get a f#@ing job, you lazy b!#@%£d’).  So a few days were spent hanging around the garage (else nothing got done), and then we went on Safari to Lake Manyara.

Lake Manyara is famous for tree climbing lions (we didn’t see any) and its hordes of leopards (err, we didn’t see any). Nevertheless, it is a groundwater forest (we don’t know what that is either… and we’ve been there), very beautiful, and has lots of funky birds, antelope and loads and loads of monkeys.

Sounds too easy right? This is Tanzania remember… Well, the night before we had gone for a drink with some German friends of Kadeghe (our Maasai friend who had accompanied us on our jaunt).  And so at 6am our safari van turns up (a Land Cruiser – acceptable), but no Kedeghe. His key is behind reception! Is he lying dead in a ditch somewhere? TIT.

It turns out that the very drunk bar lady was very impressed with the Germans as they spoke very good Swahili, and so unbeknownst to us she invited them back to her house to carry on drinking – and Kadeghe being a gentleman accompanied them to ensure they were okay.  However they decided to party till 6 am and we had just given up waiting for Kadeghe when he turned up at the hotel. Panic over.  Later in the day, Kadeghe complained of a head ache so we gave him one of our stash of Ibuprofen. Brilliantly no one had ever told him that you swallow pills whole. Revenge… is… sweet…

The car was ready a little earlier than planned which meant we got a day spare. We visited Arusha National park. This is home to Mt Meru, the fifth highest peak in Africa and apparently a more enjoyable climb than Kili (noticing a theme yet?). Tying with Mt Kenya, the park is the most  beautiful we have yet visited in Africa, situated in the foothills of Mt Meru and with Kili visible in the east - the summit of which was still 4.5km above us. Although Lake Baringo was pretty cool, and…

 

Wildlife wise, Arusha NP is best known for its birdlife and monkeys (ohhhh, I really, really want a monkey now) but has no big predators (other than leopards, which I strongly believe can turn invisible – so we didn’t see any). The landscape is a profusion of craters and alkaline lakes, and alkaline lakes mean flamingos, a beautiful bird Edd is allowed to gawp at…

 

What, I hear you say, no TIT? Well, as the staff at the national park steal any money which passes through their hands, you pay your entrance fees for the park direct to the bank, who load it onto a card, which you then need for admission. Sounds sensible except the banks do not (or more likely will not) sell them for Arusha NP. The problem being that Arusha NP, tourist information, and the guidebook think they do. A happy hour or two was spent shuttling between tourist information and various banks (Jo, by the way, is getting more patient. She was only ‘simmering’ angry) with no success. Eventually we were told we could pay by visa debit card if we wished. Argggh. TIT!

Anyway lets not leave it on that note. Tanzania was great and we are looking forward to another visit in the near future.

That’s all for now, for tomorrow we are off to Kisii.

The great leveller

We, by way of an agreement of the spouses, have been looking for ways to enable Edd to keep up with Jo when walking. This is because Jo tends to dance up hills, leaving Edd in her dust. Many methods have been tested, for example some form of special brew or levelling the land by way of judicious use of trekking poles, but we have now hit upon the answer.

 

Altitude…

Now let me tell you how this came about.

 

A discussion centred around climbing Kilimanjaro took place in our living room around a year ago where we were advised that in comparison to Mt Kenya, Kili is rubbish. And so, one year later we packed our bags and off we toddled (to Mount Kenya, that is).

 

Right, now we need to justify ourselves for the extreme wimpyness that follows.  Mt Kenya is under the preserve of the Kenya wildlife service – and as the park is well stocked with buffalo leopards and elephants you have to be accompanied by a guide. This we duly found by e-mailing anyone we could find out about, and then selecting the best looking reply (which weirdly also happened to be the cheapest). Please also bear in mind that the entrance fee to the park is $55 a day for non residents (we got residents rates – ha ha) and so out of the range of the budget traveller. 

This meant that Jo and I had not just a guide (Jeffrey ‘smokes a lot’), but an excessively sizable support staff of a cook (Benson who carried a the largest backpack I have ever seen full of grub just for us) and two porters (Joseph - ‘time of the beans’ for that is when he was born - and Peter).  We had thought that it was bad enough having two guards for five of us at the Ngong Hills, but the two of us being accompanied by a support staff of four really was gay. Of course, like Hillary, we got to the top entirely due to our own efforts…

We were later told by ‘beans’ that we were his best guests ever as we cared about the porters, not taking too much stuff, and actually talking to them (fancy lowering ourselves to that level). He had stories of lugging around bags full of books etc.

The Mount Kenya trek is really beautiful, although like all large mountains it generates it’s own weather. It would be sunny in the morning, and cloud over just before lunch. This meant that our guides cheerfully got us up before dawn (with a cup of tea, coffee or hot chocolate), before forcing us to eat a breakfast consisting of cereal, fruit (unless it was frozen) and cooked breakfast, along with fruit juice. It was tough.

 

We would then walk until lunch, which would be large and delicious, before relaxing and sleeping until our three course dinner – after which we would go to sleep again.

 

Daytime temperatures were around 20 degrees. But hovering around 4000m the temperature plummeted at night to around minus 5 or 10 (it got cold extraordinarily fast and we had ice on both the inside and outside our tent each morning). Edd was freezing but can’t complain.  He ignored the warnings we were given as being for wimpy tourists, not for him… It did however mean that going to bed or getting up was easy as he only had to take off or put on his boots.

The highlight came on day four, when we ascended Point Lenana to watch the sunrise - joining vast hordes of school children.

But eventually all good things come to an end and we had to leave, getting stuck in Nairobi traffic for an afternoon.

Let me leave you with Mt Kenya at sunset. We stopped because nothing was happening except for it getting dark, and a bird crapped on the camera!